I must warn you I have a hard time explaining myself as I am Autistic so please I hope my words don't confuse you as most regular peoples words often confuse me. Anyways I was reading a pagan blog online and I realized I need to stop getting distracted from my spiritual practice. I was struggling for a long time staying motivated to keep up on the TempleUVUP as it has lost its flare and feel like one of the only members keeping the site going but it has been rough as I have had trouble writing for the longest time. It is hard enough for someone like me with my disabilities, lack in money, and being constantly busy to stay motivated when I have constantly struggled with my moods/depression. I want to keep up on praying, keeping up with my rituals, and communicating with the Gods but its hard when you start doubting everything because things get so bad you want to give up...
I have been a member of CUUPS for a long time but was lucky enough to find a Unitarian Universalist congregation in Delaware, Ohio that made me actually want to join a “church” again though they use the term fellowship for the same reason I would lol. They unlike my family or other churches except me for the way I am or have felt comfortable revealing to them anyways. I thought I would never go to church again but I realized church is good for people sometimes because it makes us feel connected where someone like me feels disconnected from the world and that I will never fit in. However they except me and I hope one day I can not be worried about not worried about what anyone thinks. I normally do not feel like I fit in anywhere: in my city, with my family, as well as in my communities (vampire, pagan, and goth) but I feel comfortable there and actually look forward to going even though it is really early in the morning lol. I am like no one in my city and most misjudge as they don't understand me; my family also does not understand me and will often not meet me half way with my life choices (as DUUF does). Vampires often do not want me to believe what we are is a spiritual condition so my house is despised for my personal belief, Goths often despise me because I drink blood and make them look bad, pagans often despise me because I need energy from others to not constantly be sick and fatigue. So I feel all alone in every community even my local fellowship I am too afraid to let them find out as I am sure they could never understand...
I try to read and meditate but with focus and reading issues it has been harder than it used to be but I am not sure why it was sometimes easier in the past but no longer is the case depending on the book? One thing I know is to many books make it too easy to go off track and use words that I am not sure about seeing as I never went to college and that really makes it hard to want to go on and deal with my stupidity. I used to have the patience and not these things bother me but I can't help the way I feel that it is too difficult for someone like me as it too me too long and was too hard to get the help I needed and yet I am still struggling. I have been working a new job that tires me out and it has been hard to keep on things out of my daily routine I must do in order to relax but relation never seems to come for someone like me so I have not been able to find the time to do what I must do to and do not have time for my spiritual practices, research, and reading. I most certainly need to get back to praying to my spiritual mother for help getting back to my rituals, my reading, writing, and more on my the site and research ect. Now that I found some people to talk to, made a breakthrough in counseling, got some help with my disabilities, and am better with my communication as well as my moods to a point (at least while keeping busy at work) I am hopping things will continue to move forward. This seems even more likely now that I have finally got rid of the writers block I have had for too many years...
© Rev. JP Vanir the Dark Druid Goth
My Original post where I first wrote this on Feb 1st 2020: http://vampyrian.spruz.com/pt/2020-time-to-get-back-on-track-and-stop-worrying/blog.htm
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